Sunday Service_The History of Leaves as Told by a Squirrel_Fart_How Junior Mints Changed My Life
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Sunday Service
At seven-thirty this morning, I walk up to the church. I do not walk past it like I do every other day. It’s Sunday. Me and Jesus, we go way back. I wink at him while he dangles from the cross, gaunt chest bleached white by the sun. Thin rays of dawn filter through the clouds and shine directly into his eyes. Poor guy’s all strung up; he’s got no way to shield himself. I always found it a bit tasteless how they nailed him up here on the peeling front cladding of the chapel, day and night, rain or shine. He is the savior, after all. They couldn’t have spared him a gazebo? An awning, even? I pla...
The History of Leaves as Told by a Squirrel
A long time ago, before pug dogs and Siamese cats, before the domestication of humans by cows and geese, I mean, a really, really long time ago, just after the Earth shook under the pounding crash of dinosaur feet, the leaves of the trees were not symmetrical. You might say that is hard to believe, but then I can just show you some mouse-hole geometry and let’s see if you understand that. No, it’s true. Leaves had no reason to look the same on both sides. Leaves just grew to wherever the sunlight was. That is, in fact, the purpose of a leaf: to soak in the sunlight. Why would a leaf minimize...
Fart
There’s really nothing unconventional about our family holiday celebrations—on either side. Over the years we’ve run the gamut of games and experimented with different foods, but nothing I would consider unconventional. Do you remember Trivial Pursuit? Yes? We actually played that several years in the different variations. I have no further comment. We played a game calwww.onedoor.ccled ‘spoons’ where there’s one less spoon on the table than players. It’s a game of elimination where everyone is grabbing for a spoon at the same time. It was brutal. My uncle always joked about sharpening his fingernails, but ...
How Junior Mints Changed My Life
I was too hungry to decide and I knew it. I knew I should have said something earlier but I didn’t want to come off as high maintenance and yet here I was, dangerously close to blowing my top out of hangriness. There are too many freaking choices on menus nowadays and why don’t any of them have a special section of just a few items for people who are too hungry to choose? But instead of actual food items, they list the emotion you’re feeling at the time. You choose the emotion and they bring out the correlating food. No more guesswork. Like maybe you’re feeling homesick, bam! Mac and cheese ...