The Emperor’s Bad News_An Ode to Dad Clothes_One Bad Apple_Time's Running Out
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The Emperor’s Bad News
The Emperor’s Bad NewsNot so many years ago, there lived an Emperor who loved new plants. He spent all of his spare time walking his vast gardens, hands clasped behind his back, contemplating how to make improvements.“Basil!” he would exclaim, and up would pop Basil, the Imperial Gardener.“Sire?”“There’s a bald patch!” “Not to worry, Sire. I have… Tergum copia!” And Basil would whip out a plant from the Imperial Garden Cart.The Emperor never noticed that each Tergum copia was different from the next. He didn’t know Latin, and so didn’t realize that Basil was merely referring to his “backup sup...
An Ode to Dad Clothes
My eyelids begin to open and the first whispers of morning creep into my mind. The popcorn ceiling slowly comes into focus as the night’s dreams fade back into memory and imagination from whence they came, like a creature receding into the shadows. I reach for my phone to check the time and my email. After a few minutes of reading a couple work messages that I know I shouldn’t be checking according to my Wife, and sifting through the morning’s latest on Google News, I decide I should start my day. The dog greets me with a warm approach in an adorable yet unsubtle attempt to lick my face. After...
One Bad Apple
Sensitive content: Mass mortality event Hunger clouded Chloe’s judgment when she took a bite out of a suspiciously brown apple, her dinner for the night. This was the only food in her home since she was too lazy to go grocery shopping earlier that day. The apple was certainly spoiled, but Chloe didn’t notice. She was hungry, so she took another bite. And another! Soon, all that was left was the core. Then, Chloe went to sleep. Chloe woke up the next morning to a rumbling stomach. Even after going to the bathroom, her insides growled. She made an appointment with the doctor to figure out what ...
Time's Running Out
"Grow up and get on with it, your life isn’t going to just happen!" That's what I used to get told when I was a teenager. Sound familiar? Life is, however, more likely to give you a slap one of these days. So here’s a little bit of advice now from a fucking failure.I can't stress enough how important it is for us to live our lives with purpose, our own purpose, with our own values and desires. Don't listen to anyone or anything except yourself, because doing what we want to do, or maybe not doing what we don't want to do, as opposed to doing things we don't want to do, is all that we have to b...